Wordpecker 04: Welcome to Cockmiral

Please drive carefully

Tooting Commons | Capercaillie | Penisgate | Expired Dicks

Photo by Mathijs de Koning on Unsplash

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This week in phraseology

A slightly shorter list this week, but it’s pithy, with a lot of girth.

This week, we have place names that must be fake, a playful, showy birb, and some wang stuff. And memes, always memes. Because I love you.

Let’s get to it!

1. Tooting Commons

A British friend was talking about the sun FINALLY emerging from the gloom for a few minutes, and another Brit chimed in to ask where they lived. A wild exchange of (supposed) place names ensued: York Knavesmire, Ducking Row, Peckham Rye Park, Putney Heath, and Flopintottin Camhide. (I only made up some of them and I didn’t even use this English place name generator, though I should have.)

But one stood out from the rest: Tooting Commons. Which is an actual place!

From Wikipedia:

The name is of Anglo-Saxon origin but the meaning is disputed. It could mean the people of Tota, in which context Tota may have been a local Anglo-Saxon chieftain.^[3] Alternatively it could be derived from an old meaning of the verb to tout, to look out.

As in, “Look out, I’m gonna rip one.”

This launched us into a discussion of funny place names. My friend Mike shared Buttzville, NJ and one of the Brits dropped THIS into the chat:

a mic drop of a place name 💦🍆

Wikipedia to the rescue, again:

“The name is jokingly defined in The Meaning of Liff by Douglas Adams as meaning ‘a moist penis’.”

This conversation reminded me of a meme a friend has sent me more than once (I truly have the best pals), that I thought was fake but is not (!!!!):

I would 100% take this road trip. Who’s with me?

2. Capercaillie

Did you know that Europe has its own version of a turkey? And here I thought America was exceptional (sarcasm, derogatory). I’m confident our turkeys are bigger assholes.

Sadly, the “charismatic grouse¹” capercaillie (capper-kaylee) is endangered, but conservationists in the Scottish Highlands forests are working on it. You can see a photo of these handsome birbs at that link and a video at this one, along with conservation updates. I love how unimpressed the hens seem by the male.

Capercaillie are called the “horse of the woods” because they like to horse around:

The males were counted at spring lekking sites – “lek” is Old Norse for play - when the showy black and red birds perform spectacular “flutter jumps” and make popping and clicking sounds to woo the smaller, camouflaged females.

The usual confluence of shitty things are endangering these birds — climate change, deforestation for cattle grazing, increased egg theft, human encroachment—and even social media attention.

Conservationists are addressing the issue on multiple fronts - they even designed a mower to encourage growth of a primary plant food source for the birds. I’m ever grateful for the tireless, methodical and badass work conservationists do.

3. Penisgate

A few people reached out to ask if I was aware of the Olympic controversy involving ski jumpers’ enhanced dicks and yes, yes I am.

A German newspaper first reported that Olympic ski jumpers may be injecting their penises with substances like paraffin or hyaluronic acid, presumably while “I Believe I Can Fly” plays in the background.

I guess this is a thing that might work? Scientific American wrote about the physics of ski jumping with an oversized hog.

4. Expired Dicks

Speaking of dicks, Wordpecker reader Kris sent this one - I was aware of the story but not the phrase.

Did we know that dildos have expiration dates? I did not. Is this a marketing move designed to get us to consume more dildos? Do we all need to clean out our dresser drawers? Do you know what this is doing to my Google search???

The phrase “expired dicks” comes from Chad Davis, a Minneapolis photographer who’s been documenting the federal government’s occupation of the city to terrorize, kidnap, and even murder its citizens. Davis created a great page on his website that documents the so-called “Operation Metro Surge,” vital journalism to bear witness to these horrors.

Here’s a Bluesky post from Davis showing people throwing dildos at ICE agents’ vehicles:

We love to see it!

::types do dildos expire -ai²::

::why do silicone dildos have expiration dates -ai::

Glamour magazine to the rescue! (tl;dr - common sense, look for wear and tear, etc.) I guess silicone dildos come with expiration dates but see my note above - I suspect it’s a marketing ploy designed to make us buy more stuff, but I could be wrong.

Women’s Health seems to concur, and includes a helpful section titled How To Get Rid of Sex Toys - the correct answer is to throw them at ICE, duh.

Yesterday my brother, who has Down Syndrome, called to give me the scoop on decluttering his closet. “It’s called spring cleaning,” he said, with the gravitas people use when imparting great wisdom to someone younger or less worldly. I’m surprised he didn’t add “Look it up.”

Anyway, bottom line (heh): As spring approaches, you know what task to add to your seasonal cleaning checklist. 🍆🧊

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Bonus Nuggets

Not phrases, but still fun.

1. Help crush book censorship and protect the freedom to read

Learn about freedom to read laws and get some simple action steps from my brilliant pal Kelly Jensen at Book Riot.

2. JD Vance booed at the Olympics opening ceremonies

🗣️ Let’s keep making this a thing. 📢

3. New reply just dropped

The tl;dr³ for the current moment (and, sadly, the foreseeable future):

4. Fax Your DNA to YouTube

too real

That’s it for this week! Remember to keep making it weird, and stay furiously curious!

1. Charismatic grouse is an incredible phrase!

2. If you’re not aware, you can add -ai to the end of any Google query to eliminate the AI slop results they force to the top of every search. Or you can use a paid search tool like Kagi, which clears out the ads, too - I’m leaning this way, personally.

3. In case you aren’t chronically online, tl;dr = “too long, didn’t read” and ai; dr = “AI, didn’t read.”